Episode 4: Enter The Scorpion
Night. Smitty’s car peels into the parking lot at Kon Tiki. Low angle, door opens and Smitty, Richie Bruns and 2 girls get out. Smitty has a noticeable limp. We keep low angle, and see the big illuminated Kon Tiki sign above him as he speaks.
Smitty: Well, this is it ladies…Kon Tiki, the home of The Scorpion!
As he says ‘Scorpion’ he makes his hand into the shape of a claw and gives his girl a big pinch on the ass.
Girl: Ow! Cut it out Smitty!
Smitty and the others laugh and they all head into the bar. They pass a large aquarium near the door.
Smitty: Y’know they got piranha’s in there? You know what piranhas do, baby? They get together in big gangs and attack other fish. They nibble away at the flesh, And they strip ’em clean as a whistle with their razor sharp teeth. Hundreds at a time, hell, probably thousands! They’d do the same to your lovely little hand if you put it in there with ’em. They’d come rushing at it, and soon as one had taken a little nip, there’d be blood in the water and all the others would come swimming over just as quick as they could and they’d all be nibbling away at your fingers with them razor sharp teeth they got. They’d nibble and nibble and nibble some more ’till there was nothing but bone left.
Richie’s girl looks disgusted, but Smitty’s Girl looks excited.
Smitty’s Girl: Wow! That’s pretty cool. But I wanna keep my fingers, Smitty. Maybe we try it on someone else, eh?
Smitty: Ha! You’re all right, babe. You are all right! Now, let’s get us a table and a damn drink!
They all walk over to a table and sit.
Smitty: Y’know what we should do? We should get a whole lot of piranhas and take ’em up to the Swimming Hole where all the little kids go, and we should put ’em in the water and when the next lot of kids go swimming in that nice water to cool off they’ll get a lot more than just a cooling off. They’ll get a whole lot of skin coming off!
Richie’s Girl: That’s pretty messed up.
Smitty: (menacing and immediately in her face) Who you calling messed up?
Richie: (quickly trying to calm Smitty down) Nobody, Smitty. She wasn’t calling nobody messed up. She was just saying that putting your fish in the lake was a bit messed up. That’s all. Isn’t that right, hon?
Richie’s Girl: (nervously) Yeah…that’s right.
Smitty’s girl throws her arm around Smitty, helping to distract him.
Smitty’s Girl: Hey, what about those drinks you were talking about?
Richie: Yeah, where’s the cocktail girl?
Smitty: (Still eyeing Richie’s girl suspiciously) Yeah, where is she? (He yells) Hey, can we get a damn drink over here!
The cocktail waitress walks up to the table
Waitress: Hi Smitty. Sorry, I didn’t see and your friends come in.
Smitty: Hey Jackie! How about parking yourself right here for a minute?
Smitty slaps his knee, and Jackie sits on it. He puts his arm around her waist. His girl notices and glares at the waitress.
Waitress: (removing his hand) Now you cut that out Mister Charles Schmid. I’m still working. What can I get you, the usual?
Smitty: Yeah, bring us a Scorpion, Jackie. And give it an extra sting.
The waitress gets up from Smitty’s knee and turns to leave. Smitty gives her a slap on the ass as she walks away. His girl glares at him. Richie diffuses the situation again…
Richie: Did you ladies know that Smitty here was a whiz at Gymnastics in High School? Best damn guy in the whole State one year! Ain’t that right Smitty?
Smitty: Damn right I was. Ain’t nobody could touch me. I got stronger muscles than anyone else around. Here doll, feel this.
Smitty takes his girl’s hand and puts it on his thigh.
Smitty: You just feel those Quads. Don’t that make you feel kinda horny?
Smitty’s Girl smiles.
Smitty: Damn straight. Maybe later, if you’re lucky, I’ll show you some of my other muscles (winks).
Smitty’s Girl: If you’re lucky, maybe you will. Say, what gives with the gimpy leg? You have some sort of accident with all the gymnastic stuff?
Smitty: Nah, it wasn’t no accident. I was doing this delivery job for some fellas who own a huge spread on the East side. Supposed to take extra special care of this particular package, a damn cute little brunette if I remember right. Well, things got a bit out of hand and, cut a long story short, the package got a bit damaged. The people I was working for don’t take too kindly to ‘damaged goods’ and they let me know it, with the help of a pair of bolt cutters on my big toe. Never quite walked right since.
Smitty’s Girl: (horrified) That’s horrible!
Smitty: Nah, s’okay really. The guys I was working for figured I’d learned my lesson and have kept me busy ever since. Aha! Here she comes…
Jackie arrives with the Scorpion. It’s a big drink in a large fishbowl-sized glass. Four long straws hang from the rim of the glass.
Jackie: Here you go Smitty. One big Scorpion, with a little extra sting. (Quietly) I added some extra rum in there like you asked, but don’t tell the boss.
Jackie winks at Smitty, and Smitty winks at Jackie. Smitty offers a straw to his girl.
Smitty: Here baby, try this.
Smitty’s girl sucks on the straw
Smitty’s Girl: Wow! Strong! Yummy!
She takes another sip, and Richie and his girl lean in and start drinking too.
Richie stands up.
Smitty: You all continue working on that, I’ll be right back.
Smitty heads towards the bathroom. Notice his limp.
Richie: Smitty’s pretty proud of that bolt-cutter story. Must have bled like a stuck pig! Funny thing, last time I heard him tell it I coulda sworn it was a blonde.
Smitty enters the bathroom. There is somebody washing their hands. Smitty stands next to him and checks himself out in the mirror. Pulls out a comb and does a little hair grooming. We notice how short Smitty is, compared to the man next to him. Man leaves, and Smitty looks around, goes into the stall, locks the door, puts the seat down and sits on the toilet. He pulls off his boot and out falls a pile of crushed cans, cardboard and rags. He rubs his foot and we see his toes are all perfectly fine. Smitty takes one of the rags and re-wraps it around a can. He shoves everything back in his boot, puts it back on, stands and flushes the toilet. He limps out of the bathroom and back to the table.
Smitty: How’s that Scorpion going down? Man, you guys barely dented it!
Smitty leans in and takes a big, long suck on the straw. The others do the same, and they all finish the drink.
Smitty: Aaahhh! Good stuff, right?
Smitty sits back, puts his feet up on the table. See his boots.
Smitty: Let’s have another. (Calling towards the bar) Jackie…!